When You Have Done Everything to Change But Nothing Changed

I know people who sincerely want to change for the better and in fact tried everything to make it happen. Even spent lots of money, to no avail. I also know people who really think they've changed a lot but don't see how all the old stuff in them is just covered with a thin vinyl or "wall" paper that easily bursts during unguarded moments. 

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Change is hard and isn't possible at all unless initiated by our Maker. Artificial change (change wrought by us or people) does not last and only allows the old, nasty self to grow bigger and stronger quietly in us, waiting for the right moment to erupt. It happens more with churchy people who believe they have become spiritual because of their self-imposed discipline. Or their religion or church. They wear an effective mask that fools people about their supposed change and spirituality. 

But actually, nothing's changed in them. 

Unless the LORD does the change, everything is skin-deep, wolf in sheep's clothing. Wolves of this kind are nice persons, as if always ready to help, as if sincere and caring, soft spoken, but later shed off the fake wool when their egos are touched. And egos are often invisible to the naked eyes when the ego-centered become experts at disguising it. I've met those who have mastered the art of disguising. 

But you know what exposes them? Their lecturing tendencies---when they can't stand those who are not of the same mind as they are, whose opinions differ from theirs. Their egos won't let you get away with your opposing convictions, so they argue with you (which they disguise as "healthy discussion"), lecturing about what you should do or believe, with the aim of making you look stupid for believing what you believe. 

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You Cannot Tame Your Ego

The ego, unless genuinely changed directly by the LORD, will never be tamed or changed for the better. And I mean, it should be the LORD Himself doing his personal molding on you. Counseling, therapy and even bible studies or listening to church sermons WILL NOT do it. They may effect artificial changes but they never last. Walang forever sa artificial. And sadly, almost everything in church today (regardless of the denomination) is merely artificial. 

Only Jesus' Blood can cleanse and purify, and only His resurrection power can quicken us from a dead spiritual life. This is why real change (transformation) is possible only with a personal encounter with Jesus, not just once, but everyday, even each moment of the day while we face everyday life in this world. His transforming Presence alone can do it. Good news is, that presence is available anywhere, any time, and in any mood you're in. In fact, I say it is more accessble when you're not in church, the church that men invented and run using the Babylon system, not the church Jesus builds. 

How to be in His Presence

First and foremost, you need to be soaked in God's spoken Word and led by the Holy Spirit. Without the Word that comes out of the mouth of God and without the Holy Spirit, everything is garbage. Remaining in His Word means remaining in His presence 24/7, and this is only possible if you're Spirit led 24/7. When you're soaked in the presence like this, you transform, genuinely. It's God Himself doing the mighty work in you. You don't struggle or exert any effort. 

How is this possible? Aside from asking the Holy Spirit to "reveal" truth to you supernaturally (not through man's theology, bible study tools or lessons or hermeneutics or whatnot), you remain in the presence by always chatting with the LORD, telling or discussing things with Him, or simply quietly relaxing in His presence, always "aware" of being near Him and in Him. You talk, laugh, or joke with other people, you may even be stressed by work at the office or in your business, stressed by traffic or problems (hurt, frustrated, disappointed or anxious about things), but these things change nothing about your spiritual composure inside because you remain in His Presence. 

And this genuinely changes---even transforms---you to be better. 

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Avoiding Someone For Peace of Mind Versus Hatred

I send you out as sheep among wolves. 

So, be wise as serpents and innocent as doves.

 - Matthew 10.16 

I read somewhere on FB that as you age you learn to value zero contact with insufferable folks to keep your peace. Well, I've learned that from adolescence. I value peace and quiet and alone moments, trying to balance that with limited contacts from people who let me alone with my preferences as I let them with theirs. De gustibus non disputandum est. Walang basagan ng trip. But I also sometimes balance that with tolerating the company of smart Alecks. 

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Avoiding toxic individuals or those whose character you strongly oppose is a practice many adopt for the sake of their peace of mind and emotional well-being. However, the reasons behind this avoidance shape the nature of the action and its consequences. On one hand, avoiding such people to maintain inner peace and prevent unnecessary conflict is a strategic and self-preserving choice. On the other, avoiding them out of sheer hatred fosters negativity and may affect one's personal growth and emotional stability. 

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Avoidance for Peace and Well-Being

Distancing oneself from individuals whose behaviors or values are toxic is self-care. You're smart enough to see that certain interactions drain energy, trigger anxiety, or disrupt emotional balance. Individuals who consistently engage in manipulative, aggressive, or dishonest behavior can create an environment that is mentally exhausting. By stepping away from such interactions, you safeguard your emotional and psychological health.

Avoiding confrontation is also a practical reason for disengagement. Some individuals are prone to unnecessary arguments or thrive on conflict, making it difficult to have constructive conversations. They enjoy proving to all that they're smarter than anyone and they use you for this. Rather than engaging in repeated disputes that yield no resolution, steering clear of such exchanges allows for a more tranquil life. In this case, avoidance is a form of emotional maturity, recognizing that not all battles need to be fought.

This kind of avoidance does not necessarily involve resentment or hostility toward the person in question. It often stems from an understanding that differences in character or values can make relationships unworkable. There may even be a sense of neutrality or a lack of judgment, as the focus is more on self-preservation than punishment or disdain.

Avoidance Due to Hatred

On the other side of the spectrum is avoiding people out of hate. While hatred is a strong emotion that can feel justified in certain situations—especially when someone has caused harm—the act of avoiding them because of this sentiment has deeper psychological implications. Holding onto hate fosters resentment, which can negatively impact emotional well-being. Rather than offering peace of mind, it often keeps the negative emotions active, replaying thoughts of anger and indignation.

Moreover, hatred itself can be corrosive, affecting your ability to cultivate empathy, understanding, and growth. When avoidance is driven by hatred rather than the need for inner peace, it may signal an unresolved emotional burden rather than a thoughtful boundary. In some cases, such avoidance can also be reactionary rather than intentional, stemming from emotions that have not been fully processed.

The Key Difference

The fundamental distinction between the two forms of avoidance lies in intent and effect. Avoiding toxic people for peace is a self-protective measure aimed at fostering a healthier emotional state. It is rooted in a desire to improve well-being and maintain a positive outlook on life. On the other hand, avoiding people due to hatred is emotionally charged and often keeps negativity alive, preventing emotional growth. 

Ultimately, distancing oneself from unhealthy interactions is beneficial, but it is most effective when done with clarity and self-awareness rather than being driven by destructive emotions.

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Social Benefits of Being Still Before GOD

Non-joiners—those who prefer solitude and avoid crowds and love being still and alone before God—cultivate a healthy social life (in fact, sometimes a healthier social life) while maintaining their natural inclination for quietude and solitude. In professional settings, where interactions with co-workers and subordinates are necessary, being still before God helps us understand and develop effective communication strategies, setting boundaries, and embracing quality over quantity in relationships can lead to more meaningful and productive connections.

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Understanding One’s Social Needs

Non-joiners also connect socially, but in cautious ways. And this is appreciated more as you spend times alone with God. First, non-joiners must acknowledge their personal social preferences. They may not enjoy large gatherings or casual small talk, but that doesn’t mean they must disconnect completely. Understanding that socializing is not about constant interaction but forming meaningful connections which helps shift perspectives. They engage in conversations that are casual, non-commital and yet purposeful.

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Building Strong One-on-One Relationships

Since non-joiners often thrive in quiet, focused environments, one-on-one interactions become their strength. They like a casual talk over a cup of coffee with an individual. Rather than mingling in group settings, they can foster deep relationships through personal conversations. Whether it’s a direct report, a colleague, or even a superior, scheduling individual discussions allows them to engage meaningfully without overwhelming social pressure. These interactions help create trust, understanding, and rapport, making social engagements more productive rather than draining.

Effective Communication in the Workplace

Relating with co-workers and handling subordinates requires clear and effective communication. Non-joiners can ensure they convey their thoughts concisely, either through written communication or structured verbal interactions. Believe it or not, still moments with God help develop this skill. His strong presence can supply everything you need. Moreover, utilizing emails, scheduled meetings, or brief discussions can help maintain professional relationships without requiring excessive social involvement. God's presence is powerful even in emails--or anywhere on the internet. 

In leadership roles, non-joiners must ensure that their reserved nature does not lead to misunderstandings or perceived aloofness. Transparent leadership, where expectations are clearly communicated, along with occasional check-ins, can help subordinates feel supported while allowing their leader to maintain personal space. Genuine effective leadership can come only when you're familiar with the leadership of the Shepherd in your life.

Creating a Structured Social Approach

Instead of engaging in rigid socialization, non-joiners can implement structured opportunities to lightly interact with others. Limit the scope of discussion. If you cannot do this, limit your exposure. Participating in professional discussions, attending relevant meetings, or organizing focused work-related gatherings can help foster relationships without the pressure of formal socializing where you cannot be yourself. This strategy ensures they remain connected while maintaining safe boundaries.

Setting Boundaries and Honoring Personal Space

A healthy social life doesn’t mean conforming to extroverted standards. Non-joiners must establish boundaries that respect their need for solitude. This may include declining unnecessary social events, setting limits on interactions, or communicating their preference for quiet spaces. By being transparent about their comfort levels, they can avoid forced engagements and focus on interactions that genuinely matter. Jesus was open to the public but religious leaders and people stayed at a safe distance from him. Ever noticed that?

Quality Over Quantity

Finally, prioritizing quality relationships over numerous social connections is essential. A non-joiner doesn’t need to engage with everyone but can build a small, trusted network of colleagues who understand and respect their social style. Cultivating deeper bonds with a few individuals ensures a fulfilling social life without unnecessary exhaustion.

By implementing thoughtful communication techniques, structured engagement, and respecting personal boundaries, non-joiners can build a social life that aligns with their nature while maintaining healthy professional relationships. It's not about changing who they are—it's about finding balance in their interactions. And there's only one way to learn healthy balance---spending quiet times alone with GOD who perfectly balances things in all creation. 

Assessing People's Gestures and Reactions

Nonjoiners don't mind about what people think of them, but they are keen observers. They very seldom join people but they study them to make sure their paths don't meet or sometimes see where they can help in any way possible. Observing body language effectively requires a combination of focus, patience, and understanding of common nonverbal cues. Here are some key techniques to help you become more perceptive:

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1. Establish a Baseline

Before interpreting someone's body language, observe how they naturally behave in a neutral setting. Everyone has unique mannerisms, so it's essential to recognize their normal patterns before assuming a change in body language signals something significant.

2. Watch for Microexpressions

Microexpressions are fleeting facial expressions that reveal true emotions before someone consciously masks them. These subtle reactions—such as a quick flash of anger, sadness, or surprise—can provide insight into a person's authentic feelings, even when they are trying to conceal them.

3. Observe Hand Gestures

Hands often reveal a person’s level of comfort or engagement. Open palms suggest honesty and receptiveness, while clenched fists or fidgeting hands may indicate stress or frustration. Frequent touching of the face or rubbing the neck can signal discomfort, nervousness, or deception.

4. Analyze Posture and Positioning

A person's posture speaks volumes about their confidence and emotions. Standing tall with squared shoulders conveys self-assurance, while slouching or shrinking into oneself may indicate insecurity or discomfort. Additionally, someone leaning in during a conversation suggests engagement and interest, while leaning away could signal disinterest or discomfort.

5. Focus on Eye Movement

Eye contact can be a powerful tool in understanding someone’s intentions. Direct eye contact often conveys confidence and sincerity, while prolonged avoidance of eye contact may suggest discomfort or dishonesty. Rapid blinking or darting eyes can indicate anxiety or nervousness.

6. Recognize Feet and Leg Movements

People often overlook feet and leg movements, but they can be highly revealing. Crossed legs may indicate a defensive posture, while tapping feet can signal impatience or nervous energy. If someone’s feet point away from you during a conversation, it could mean they are eager to leave the interaction.

7. Match Nonverbal Cues with Verbal Communication

Words alone rarely tell the full story. Compare spoken words with body language cues—if someone says they are happy but their facial expression appears tense or their posture is rigid, there may be an underlying emotion they are not expressing openly.

8. Look for Clusters of Cues

Instead of relying on a single body language cue, assess multiple signals together. For example, crossed arms alone might not indicate defensiveness if paired with a warm smile, but if combined with tense shoulders and a lack of eye contact, it may suggest discomfort or disengagement.

Discerning Heart to Manage Relationships

God wants us to apply wisdom with relationships so we'd know how to approach people, or totally avoid them. Solomon asked for wisdom to govern Israel as king but the principle can be applied to relationships as well. In relating with people, we sort of "govern" them to be in the right and away from being wrong. 

"So give your servant a discerning heart to govern your people and to distinguish between right and wrong," [1 Kings 3.9].

And often, we have to watch people's words, preferences and tendencies, especially in their unguarded moments, because this is part of God's protection for us. He gives us the ability to see through people (not judge them though), not to confront them but to build boundaries and limits. Nonjoiners are aware of this, and this is why they very seldom sign up for memberships to support or be loyal to certain individuals. You should be able to tell who is a fool. 

Do not answer a fool according to his folly,
    or you yourself will be just like him.
5 Answer a fool according to his folly,
    or he will be wise in his own eyes.
6 Sending a message by the hands of a fool
    is like cutting off one’s feet or drinking poison.
7 Like the useless legs of one who is lame
    is a proverb in the mouth of a fool.

- Proverbs 26

By refining your ability to observe and interpret these cues, you can build deeper connections and navigate social interactions with greater insight. Over time, your ability to read body language will become more instinctive, helping you engage with people more meaningfully and detect unspoken emotions. Keep practicing, and you'll notice a significant improvement in your interpersonal awareness!

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Reading People's Minds

Relating with people effectively requires keen discernment and observation. Communication is much more than the words spoken—it includes facial expressions, gestures, tone, and body language, which often reveal emotions, intentions, and underlying thoughts that words alone may not convey. By learning to interpret these cues, we can build stronger relationships, avoid misunderstandings, and protect ourselves from deceit or manipulation.

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The Power of Discernment

Discernment is the ability to perceive and understand subtle differences and meanings in interactions. It helps us make sound judgments about people’s sincerity, credibility, and emotional state. To cultivate discernment, one must practice active listening, analyze patterns in behavior, and remain objective instead of jumping to conclusions. It is important to balance intuition with logic, ensuring that emotions don’t cloud one’s judgment.

In social settings, discernment allows us to gauge the intentions of others. For instance, someone may offer words of encouragement, but their tone and body language may suggest indifference or even hidden hostility. By discerning inconsistencies between verbal and nonverbal cues, one can respond appropriately—either addressing concerns or adjusting expectations.

Observing Facial Expressions and Gestures

Facial expressions are one of the most revealing aspects of communication. A genuine smile engages the entire face, particularly around the eyes, while a forced smile often lacks warmth and symmetry. Microexpressions—fleeting facial reactions—can betray true emotions, even when someone tries to conceal them. For example, a brief flash of sadness or anger may indicate unresolved tension.

Gestures add further context to interactions. Crossed arms may signal defensiveness or discomfort, while open-palmed gestures suggest honesty and openness. Frequent fidgeting or avoiding eye contact can indicate nervousness or dishonesty. Additionally, sudden shifts in posture, such as leaning forward or pulling away, can reveal a person’s level of engagement or disinterest.

Analyzing Remarks and Tone

Words provide information, but tone and phrasing carry deeper meaning. A sarcastic remark may appear friendly but could mask underlying resentment or passive aggression. Hesitation in speech might indicate uncertainty or dishonesty, while overly enthusiastic praise can sometimes be insincere.

It’s essential to listen for inconsistencies in how people express themselves. Someone who contradicts their earlier statements may be misleading or unsure of their true thoughts. Additionally, abrupt changes in volume or pace may signal heightened emotions, such as frustration or excitement.

Understanding Body Language

Body language speaks volumes. Someone standing tall and making direct eye contact exudes confidence, while slouched posture may suggest insecurity or discomfort. Foot placement is another subtle cue—feet pointing away can indicate a desire to leave a conversation, while mirroring another’s stance can show agreement and connection.

By sharpening discernment and observation, one can foster deeper, more authentic relationships while avoiding manipulation or misinterpretation. Paying attention to both verbal and nonverbal signals allows us to respond thoughtfully, strengthening bonds and ensuring smoother interactions.

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